FYI

Just by way of update, to explain my absence from this forum...for the past several days I have been pinned down in something of a servile insurrection on one of my many estates around the world. It all began Friday evening, as I ordered my manservant Boffo to bring me an iced tea with two slices of lemon and a cube of sugar. Boffo, drunken lout that he is, brought my tea, but with only one slice of lemon and two cubes of sugar! I am sure you can all agree that an example needed to be made, so I ordered him to be immediately caned in punishment. This should have been a simple enough task, but the Godforsaken caner decided at that moment to have a crisis of his pathetic conscience! I immediately ordered the caning of both offenders, but by this point a crowd of servants had gathered and become quite rowdy, and before I knew it my private security forces were whisking me into the villa's strongroom before the mob could get its filthy hands upon me.

Anyway, that was Friday, and as of this writing the situation has devolved into trench warfare on the grounds of the estate. Several feints and prods over the weekend failed to produce any change in the situation, though there was a terrifying period on Saturday when, without servants available to prepare and deliver our afternoon lemonade, we were struck with such weakness that I thought surely we would be overrun. Fortunately we managed to train my prize hounds to mix and deliver the beverages, but I am absolutely disgusted at wasting my fine hounds on what should be the work of servants! I had planned a mustard gas strike earlier today, only to find that my canisters of World War I-era mustard gas had degraded to the point of uselessness. So we are still locked in a stalemate.

If any of you kind Decent Folks out there could see your way clear to lending me a battalion or so of your private security forces, it would go a long way toward resolving this situation. I thank you for your consideration. I have been updating the situation with more frequency via Twitter.

This scares me

My friends, I don't mind telling you that this frightens me a bit.

Fundamentalist Christian radio host Bryan Fischer says that the white supremacist who massacred six people at a Sikh temple in Wisconsin must have been a liberal because he hated former Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain and had a “a left-wing political philosophy.”

I have no reason to doubt Mr. Fischer's veracity here; his no doubt vast monies confirm that he is a Decent, God-fearing, blessed man. But I have to say, I myself have never warmed to Herman Cain. I can't even really explain what it is about Herman that troubles me; I love his plan to shift my tax burden onto the Peasant and his courage in speaking truth to power by explaining to the Peasant that the Peasant itself is responsible for its lowly station in life. I suppose it's nothing more than a vague sense that there's something Different about Mr. Cain, that he's not quite One of Us, but I can't, in all honesty, articulate why I feel that way. I certainly hope that this does not make me a liberal!

It is a complete mystery to me.

Now, fortunately, I most certainly do not possess a "left wing political philosophy," which Mr. Fischer has astutely identified in Page's ideology:

“You know what the Nazi Party stands for? It’s the National Socialist Party. What about the word ‘socialist’ do you not understand? They were the National Socialist Party – that is a left-wing political philosophy,” he insisted.

Obviously the great historian Jonah Goldberg has already amply demonstrated this point, but perhaps its subtleties escape the slow-witted liberal (but I repeat myself): Socialism is liberal and also in the name of the Nazi Party, therefore the Nazis were liberals. This is scholarly rigor at work.

Let me try to make this as simple as possible for the liberal fascist

Since the communists and saboteurs out there refuse to understand what Mr. Romney's campaign is saying with respect to the Joe Spotic situation, flinging around yet more charges of "hypocrisy," "total incoherence," and "does anybody in the Romney campaign have two brain cells to rub together," let me simplify it for you with these easy bullet points:

• Mitt "Mitt" Romney allegedly served as CEO, Chairman, and sole owner of an alleged company allegedly called "Bain Capital," during the late 90s and into the 00s.
• While he was allegedly in this capacity, Bain Capital allegedly purchased a company, made a lot of money leveraging that company, then declaring it bankrupt when the debt load became too large. The Peasant suffered the mild inconvenience of losing its menial jobs.
• The Peasant, in this case one Joe Spotic, also lost its insurance, and its mate ultimately lost her life to some sort of medical situation that might have been preventable if the insurance, blah, blah, blah (the tragedies of the Peasant are, I'm afraid, terribly uninteresting to me)
• Mr. Romney, for a brief period in his youth, also may have experimented with being the governor of Massachusetts, but this cannot be verified and, even if accurate, should simply be ascribed to a very natural sowing of the oats type of scenario.
• As governor of Massachusetts, assuming he ever were governor of Massachusetts which we are NOT stipulating, this is merely a hypothetical, Mr. Romney may have signed into law a bill reforming health care in Massachusetts, including an individual mandate that all Commonwealth residents purchase health insurance and significant subsidies for the Peasant if it were unable to afford the same insurance that Decent Folk could afford at full price.
• Having signed that bill into law, which again is a HYPOTHETICAL as it cannot even be  proven that he was governor of this so-called "Massachusetts" which we are not prepared to say actually exists in the first place, the wildly youthful Governor Romney may have inadvertently and accidentally repeatedly told several media outlets that this health care reform law could and should become the model for the entire United States.
• Assuming ANY of this story were true, Mr. Spotic should have moved his family to Massachusetts, where the most excellent health care reforms instituted by Governor Romney would undoubtedly have saved his wife's life, because those reforms are fantastic and amazing and Governor Romney was justifiably very proud of them.
• Mr. Romney, now a Very Successful and Serious Adult, realizes full well that, if any of these absurd stories about his supposed "governorship" and "health care reform that might have saved the aforementioned Mrs. Spotic's life" were true, they would represent a gross violation of every principle upon which the United States of America stands, plus they would ultimately have killed us all in the lake of fire created when the Peasant obtained actual access to semi-quality health care. Obviously, the Kenyan Marxist having used Mr. Romney's alleged "health care reform" as the model for health care reform for the entire United States, which only goes to show the true depths of his depravity, smiting this communist act will be Mr. Romney's first priority upon taking back Our White House.

There. All better now? Actually, I'm not sure this does make any sense.

I mean, who names a state something as foreign-sounding as "Massachusetts"? Come on!

The Liberal Fascist Media Fascistically Oppresses Our Candidate

Earlier today I stumbled onto something called a "Wonkblog" at the Washington Post. I make it a point to avoid all elements of the liberal media conspiracy: MSNBC, NBC, CNBC, FTQNBC, YMCA, CDC, TOEFL, UNCLE, GROSS, CNN, Comedy Central, Bravo, Food Network, CSPANs 1-7, BBC America (I despise foreign language television), New York Times, (most of the) Washington Post, USA Today, US Weekly, MAD Magazine, Reader's Digest, World of Sudoku...well, you get the idea. But I confess that I do read JUST the editorial page of the Post, where Fred Hiatt has assembled a remarkable cadre of Respected Thinkers to discuss important issues of the day, such as the need for more War, the continued need for more War, the global scientific conspiracy to destroy Our Way of Life over some ridiculous notion that the climate is changing, my word are we still not at War yet, and we must elect someone who will get us back into a War somewhere. Somehow I stumbled off of the safe confines of the editorial page and into this Wonk thing, which I immediately assumed must be some sort of homosexual pornographic site, so typical of the depraved modern press. Sadly, what I found there was more abominable than any homosexual perversion.

Some person calling itself "Ezra Klein," which sounds like the noise my prize alpacas make when I cane them and is certainly not the sort of name that would belong to One of Us, wrote a communist screed accusing Master Romney of creating some sort of "policy gap" between himself and the Kenyan Marxist from whose tyrannical grasp he seeks to free Us. I was frankly not sure what a "policy gap" is, but it sounded vaguely homosexual (although I had already ascertained that there was no homosexual pornography to be found on the site) and certainly sounded like a slander against the character of Master Romney, so I undertook the exhausting effort of reading this unhinged assault so that I could respond to it here.

This Klein person explains what a "policy gap" is:

The policy gap, put simply, is this: Obama has proposed policies. Mitt Romney hasn’t...Obama’s policy proposals are sufficiently detailed that they can be fully assessed and conclusions — even odd ones — confidently drawn. Romney’s policies are not.

This, my friends, is (one assumes) directly out of the Kenyan/Fascist/Alinskyite playbook. Insist that a "candidate" for "high office" produce "details" regarding the manner in which he would "reign over the Peasant." What nonsense. When Master Romney finally unseats the demon currently occupying Our White House, he will reign according to his wishes as explained to him by his advisers, Representatives Ryan and Cantor, his Church Elders, various Captains of Industry, the Walrus he employs for advice as to which brown populations are most deserving of Our Righteous Wrath this week, and of course Master Limbaugh. Allowing the Peasant, or God forbid the African, access to Master Romney's plans at this juncture would not only be counterproductive to his aim of winning the upcoming "election," it would be literally impossible because those plans have not been given to Master Romney as yet! What would Kleinra have Mr. Romney do? Devise schemes of his own making? Utterly absurd. Mr. Romney himself has explained this:

Romney does not name even one deduction that he would cap or close. He even admitted, in an interview with CNBC, that his plan “can’t be scored because those details have to be worked out.”

Stores tusks in cheek pouches

Another problem with Klezra's attack is that Romney HAS released plans, but the Liberal Fascist media simply refuses to accept them! In May, Mr. Romney announced that the cornerstones of his economic plan were that there will be 4% unemployment and that 500,000 new jobs will be created per month. Immediately the liberal media shot back, demanding to know how he plans to achieve these goals that have hardly ever been achieved in the history of the nation. But, my friends, surely you can see the problem here; if the media would simply remove its liberal blinders and stop reflexively attacking Mr. Romney at every turn, they would see that the plan is laid out for them right there! How does he plan to achieve 4% unemployment? BY CREATING 500,000 NEW JOBS PER MONTH! And so forth. The fine details would be as gibberish to the Peasant, so why burden it further by releasing them?

Moreover, Mr. Romney has offered a very detailed policy outline in that he would do different things from what the Karl Hussein has done in his four-year abomination! So if Ezlein were really paying attention, really trying to be an impartial media person, he would simply look carefully at what Hussein over there has done as "president," which Kzln clearly did in writing his screed, and realize that Mr. Romney will undo all of those things and then do different things instead! My friends, it couldn't be any clearer than that, could it? For example:

On financial regulation, Romney would “repeal Dodd-Frank and replace with streamlined, modern regulatory framework.” That is literally his entire plan. Three years after a homegrown financial crisis wrecked the global economy, the likely Republican nominee for president would repeal the new regulatory architecture and replace it with … something.

Yes! Exactly! With something! And, moreover, with something different from what Hawaii 5-0 did! Does Mr. Romney have to draw you a map? Because he could very easily do so! Mr. Romney once generously made a map for me as I was planning to travel through France on a trip to recreate his own Vietnam War-avoidance adventure, and as you can see it was incredibly detailed:

This was of immeasurable help to me in my travels

But what saddens me most about writing like this is the extent to which it coarsens our national discourse. Mr. Romney is a wealthy man, One of Us, and as such should be insulated from the petty demands of a mere journalist. Klaxon almost seemed to be coming around by his final paragraph:

It should not be considered partisan to demand details from the two men campaigning to be president.

Precisely. Both parties should be able to agree that an Upstanding Human Being of High Socioeconomic Worth can be trusted to properly run this nation without hounding the poor man for "details" of his "plans." Of course the Other One has to provide more detailed plans: he's devious, and untrustworthy, and so we must know more lest he continue to terrify us with the unknown. Both parties are right to insist on more detail from such a figure. But sadly Klondike went on from there:

Both Republicans and Democrats should want to know the specifics of Romney’s tax plan. Both liberals and conservatives should insist that Romney reveal his plans to regulate the financial system. But so far, Romney has refused to give voters the most basic information about what he would do as president. That means he has refused to give voters the most basic information necessary for them to make an informed choice this November. That’s not acceptable. And neither voters nor the media should accept it.

My friends, what is not acceptable, and what we must never accept, is the insistence of the rank lowborn to insist that Decent Folk bend to their every whim. I mean, My God, we already permit them to abide in Our Country without even being penned in cages as they should by all rights be. We must not give a single inch more!

Academia? More like "Hackademia"!

Particularly deserving of Our ire over the slanderous attacks against Master Romney's trenchant analysis about why God hates brown people is this Peasant educator, "Professor" (or would "Comrade" be a better choice?) Jared Diamond, whose work, Something, Some Other Thing, and Heavy Metals (I confess I have not read it; doing so did not seem likely to add to my earnings) was dismissed by Master Romney for its silly insistence that the success of certain societies over others is due to the presence, here and there, of big rocks or some other such nonsense. We all know that We succeed and the Other fails because God loves Us, because We are better than Them. This is axiomatic. But liberal academia must find some other explanation to feed its growing desire to punish success, and so here come "academics" like this Diamond person, who unlike the precious gem that shares his name, does not seem to be very valuable to Us in the least. And then he has the gall to question Master Romney's concise summary of his "big rock" thesis:

That is so different from what my book actually says that I have to doubt whether Mr. Romney read it. My focus was mostly on biological features, like plant and animal species, and among physical characteristics, the ones I mentioned were continents’ sizes and shapes and relative isolation.

The utter cheek of this person astounds me. Listen, Professor Diamond, you have just had one of the Greatest Winners in Human Society explain quite patiently what your book is about. What standing have you, sir, that you attempt to question and even contradict a man of the socioeconomic import of Master Mitt "Mitt" Romney? Outrageous. Consider the arrogance of this mere educator the next time some communist attempts to tell you that Our society has an "obligation" to provide a meaningful education to the Peasant if it demands one.

Speaking Truth to Power

Much has been made, by the Peasant and its paid media shills, of Master Romney's recent comments with respect to the crushing and, I think we can all agree, well-deserved poverty of the Palestinian peoples. Now, like most of you I have no real interest in this Israel-Palestine mess except to the extent that Our people can use it to whip enough of the ignorant masses to vote for Our Candidates so as to keep up appearances where our "democracy" is concerned. But I do know how to tell rich from poor, and I certainly know that being rich or being poor is entirely about the quality of one's character and culture, the qualities by which God measures us and bestows our deserved share of wealth, and not in any way about "luck," "greed," "exploitation," or whatever other trifling insult the Peasant wishes to hurl at the deserving folk.

Master Romney has defended himself by arguing that he was not singling out the Palestinians for scorn:

The campaign contends Romney's comparison of income disparities among neighboring countries was broader that just Israel and Palestine. In a transcript of his remarks, Romney indeed mentions the United States and Mexico, and Chile and Ecuador.

So it is clear now that Master Romney was simply referring to the cultural and moral degradation of all brown peoples around the world, not any one population of brown persons in particular. Is this enough for the Palestinians, who strike me as overly sensitive for some impossible to fathom reason? Probably not, but then the Peasant will never be satisfied until it has completely overturned the righteous order of Our society in favor of a radical, tyrannical order wherein the Peasant is permitted access to luxury items such as nutritious foods, decent education, quality health care, and human dignity. Such a day must never come, my friends, for it comes at the expense of Our Very Way of Life. Bravo for men such as Master Romney, who have the courage to speak truth to the powerful, to explain to the unwashed mass of commoners that their lot in life is due to nothing but their own gross immorality and slovenliness, and the zeal with which they court the anger of Almighty God through their obstinate refusal to earn vast monies for themselves. At a time when We, who have everything, are so under siege, so endangered at the hands of those who have nothing, it is only the fortitude of great leaders like Master Romney that will save us from destruction.

My Absence

Friends, socioeconomic peers, I realize that I have not been as active with this forum as I should be. You all know that we, as the only worthwhile participants in human society, are called upon to perform any number of vital tasks, and this can sometimes divert our attention in myriad directions. For my own part, I have had a mix of responsibilities that have taken up my time: counting my vast monies, moving as many of my vast monies as possible to offshore tax havens perfectly legal yet untaxable investment opportunities, overseeing the staff of servants I have purchased tolerated employed to count my vast monies for me, perfecting my anti-Peasant anti-charity anti-solicitation sarin gas delivery system home disturbance deterrent system, violently caning vigorously beating severely punishing those slaves staffers who fail to properly count my vast monies, and several other activities that are assuredly essential to growing this economy in spite of the crushing socialism on offer from the Peasant and its "elected" officials. I apologize for my absence and will endeavor to do better in the future.